Navigating Trauma with NARM: A Practical Guide

02 Dec. 2024

Let’s face it: trauma has a knack for overstaying its welcome. It’s like that one guest at a party who doesn’t get the hint when you start clearing the dishes. But unlike an annoying guest, trauma doesn’t leave just because you’re tired of it. That’s where the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) comes in—a therapeutic approach that helps you address trauma’s roots without diving headfirst into a painful replay of your past.

Ready to navigate trauma with NARM? Here’s your practical guide, served with a side of humor and a splash of personal insight.

 

What Exactly Is NARM?

 

Before we jump in, let’s clear up what NARM is. Developed by Dr. Laurence Heller, NARM is a trauma therapy model designed to address developmental trauma—the kind that occurs when our emotional needs aren’t met in childhood. This isn’t about blaming your parents for everything; it’s about understanding how early experiences shaped the way you relate to yourself and others.

Unlike other trauma therapies, NARM doesn’t ask you to relive your most painful memories. Instead, it focuses on the present—how those past experiences show up in your current thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. Think of it as emotional archaeology: gently brushing away the dust to uncover the authentic you beneath.

 

How Does NARM Work?

 

NARM operates on a few core principles:

1. Connection Is Key:
   Trauma often disrupts our ability to connect—with ourselves, others, and the world. NARM helps rebuild these connections, fostering a sense of belonging and presence.
2. Regulating the Nervous System:
   Trauma can leave your nervous system stuck in overdrive. NARM helps you find balance, reducing those pesky fight-flight-freeze responses that make everything feel like a crisis.
3. Releasing Unhelpful Patterns:
   Rather than focusing on what happened, NARM looks at how what happened shaped your coping mechanisms. Do you avoid conflict like it’s contagious? Over-apologize for everything? NARM helps you understand and shift those patterns.
4. Restoring a Sense of Agency:
   Trauma can make you feel powerless, like life is happening to you. NARM empowers you to reclaim control and live with intention.

 

Personal Experience: A Tale of Over-Apologizing

 

Let me tell you a little story. For years, my default setting was “apologize for existing.” Bumped into a chair? “Sorry.” Got an email two minutes late? “So sorry for the delay!”

When I started NARM, my therapist asked, “What would it be like to let go of needing to apologize for everything?” I laughed nervously. Surely, I wasn’t that bad, right? But as I reflected, I realized my over-apologizing wasn’t about politeness—it was about avoiding conflict and ensuring everyone around me was comfortable, even at my own expense.

Through NARM, I began to see this pattern for what it was: a strategy I’d adopted in childhood to navigate an unpredictable environment. Slowly, I practiced pausing before apologizing, asking myself, “Is this really my fault?” Spoiler: it rarely was.

 

What Makes NARM Practical?

 

Here’s why NARM is such a game-changer:

• You Don’t Have to Relive the Worst Moments:
  NARM focuses on the present, sparing you from rehashing every painful detail of your past.
• It’s All About Awareness:
  NARM encourages you to notice patterns in real-time, making it easier to spot and shift them in your everyday life.
• It’s Empowering:
  Rather than seeing yourself as “broken” or “damaged,” NARM helps you reconnect with your inherent strengths.

 

Tips for Navigating Trauma with NARM

1. Be Patient with Yourself:
   Healing isn’t a straight line—it’s a messy, zigzagging path. Celebrate the small victories, like realizing you didn’t apologize for the weather.
2. Lean into Curiosity:
   NARM is about exploring, not judging. When you notice a pattern, get curious: Why do I react this way? What am I protecting myself from?
3. Practice Self-Compassion:
   Trauma can make you your own worst critic. Treat yourself with the kindness you’d offer a friend navigating the same struggles.
4. Embrace the Present Moment:
   Rather than dwelling on the past, focus on how you can create a different experience in the here and now.

 

A Final Thought

 

Trauma doesn’t define you—it’s something you experienced, not who you are. NARM offers a practical, compassionate approach to untangling its effects, helping you reconnect with your authentic self.

And if I can go from apologizing to inanimate objects to setting boundaries without guilt, there’s hope for everyone. So grab your emotional archaeology tools and start uncovering the you that’s been waiting all along.

Back to list»

Enter your e-mail: